So much to say but no words to say them…

So many times I have sat down with the intention of putting my thoughts into words and sending them out to the great unknown, but nothing flows; I just sit, and think, and give up…

Well lets just use todays sitting doing nothing time as a chance to write an update, a diary entry of sorts, and see what sort of rambling rant follows on its heals…

I’m now 40, and it wasn’t scary at all (honest).  I had an amazing party surrounded by family and friends, and I was spoiled rotten (receiving much more than I deserved!)

After gaining back everything I had lost and a few pounds more (16st 10) I went back on plan and managed to lose a total of 4 stone ready for my birthday, spending my party feeling fantastic in a skin tight corset dress weighing a lovely 12st 10.  I’ve messed around since then hovering at 12st 12, but a few weeks ago after attending a conference for one of my new jobs (more about that later), I shot back up to 13st 3.  I met a wonderful lady at the conference by the name of Jaqui Demsey who is one of the top Cambridge weight plan consultants in the country and she has taken me under her wing, and even though she is in the London area and I am here in freezing Scotland, the support she has offered has been amazing, and in my first week with her I lost 5lb, and so far this week I seem to on target for another loss.  When I stood on the scales this morning I was 12st 8 – I have two meals out this week but if I make the right choices and stay on plan the rest of the time I am hoping the scales will say 12st 7 come Monday morning.

Jobs… yes plural.  On the more mundane front is my regular jobs which I was offered at the end of June, however I didn’t start until September.  I am a venue assistant with the local council – basically a caretaker for all of the community centres and halls.  its heavy work, and dirty work, but it has a sense of achievement and as the food bank is attached to a lot of the centres I even get to help those less fortunate . The shifts aren’t the best, but it pays the bills and I’m happy enough.  My second job, which I hope to make my primary job next year, is a Cambridge Weight Plan Consultant.  I’m attempting to use my experience and expertise to help other people achieve their weight loss dreams.  I haven’t got many clients yet but I’ve only just started up and its nearly time for new years resolutions so fingers crossed it takes off soon! Oh and I’m an Avon lady too, and still doing cakes…. at least I’m not bored!

I’m still loving my Yoga – I didn’t do it for a few months there and really really missed it, I’ve started back though and really don’t understand why I allowed myself to drift away from the practice, it feels amazing on so many different levels.

Oh and we moved – Our landlord decided that 18 months into our 3 year tenancy he was within his rights to sell the house and kick us out – so nice of him.  It was a horribly stressful time but we managed to find a lovely flat which has the attic converted so its over 2 floors with a bedroom each and a bathroom in the attic level for the girls, who are now big academy girls who need their own space (to turn into pig sty’s apparently) .  It did turn out right in the end but it was definitely a situation I’d have rather not found myself in!

Life plods along dragging me along behind it, its my annual yule party in just over a week and I can’t wait!  Then its yule/Christmas!

 

 

Thunderstorms and lightening…

I love a thunderstorm, the power and energy, the smells and how clean and fresh everything is afterwards.  Shame during the build up to it I get a pressure headache, but then somethings are worth a little pain.storm-clouds-54

(picture from  reflections of grace blog)

But there’s another type of storm that gathers and makes me feel worse than any headache.  The darkness and pressure of depression. It settles on the horizon – dark heavy clouds that you know are going to move overhead and take all of the brightness and joy from your day, and there is nothing you can do to hold it back – you just have to hold onto the hope that they will somehow disperse before they get to you and you become lost in the storm.

repressed anger unrepressed

Have you ever had days where you just dislike nearly everyone (ok, everyone!) that crosses your path? From people asking inane questions at work, to the idiots who make driving down your street a nearly impossible slalom, to the people in your life who just happen to be there when you just want peace and quiet? Today was one of those days for me.  Even when I’m really down I always put on the ‘FINE’ face and always try to be pleasant.  Today I failed and was a nippy sweetie and do you know what? It felt good! I spoke back quite angrily to someone that I would normally just do the “yes, you’re right, oh goodness really? no, I didn’t know that” type response that I give to everyone to keep the peace and live a quiet life, which to be totally honest leaves me feeling angry, fed up and mentally reliving what I wish I had really said over and over again for months afterwards.

There are so many times I wish I had blown my top, told someone off, let my feelings be known, and I didn’t.  Oh I told the people concerned off in my imagine a million times, sometimes with very imaginative scenarios containing mild violence and extreme drama.  But I never do it in reality.  Why do I find it impossible to do? Fear of being disliked, abandoned, unwanted.  Emotionally I am extremely submissive and I hate it.  When it comes to dealing with professional matters I am very assertive, when someone I love requires protection I am right there shouting their case, but when it is me that is being hurt, upset, used, I seem to be incapable of speaking out, to the point where I usually end up protecting, comforting, and submitting to the guilty person (case in point cuddling my ex husband and telling him it would all be ok after he got out of jail for headbutting me and breaking my nose).

I am mentally and emotionally messed up, I feel like I need to round up all of the people I never told off and really truly shout at them until its all gone.  But of course you aren’t allowed to do that, once the moment is gone it is gone.  Which I think its shite.

Well I am going to try to be more assertive, if I have an opinion that doesn’t match I am not going to agree just to be nice.  If I know something is incorrect I will speak up. If someone says or does something that makes me mad I’m going to tell them.  And hopefully I’ll manage to do it out loud, at the time – not in my head a few hours later!

Food glorious food…

Smart Carbs? No Carbs? Sugar Free? Low fat? 5:2? Low calorie? Cave man? Whole food? Junk food? No food???????

So many different opinions and options and I honestly don’t know which way to go.  I know the way I’m eating now isn’t healthy, money is a major deciding factor in my choice of eating plan (a tad broke lol).  So what am I going to do? A bit of research to start I think, I’ve got Davina’s Smart Carbs and her 5 weeks to sugar free to have a read of (I’m a huge Davina fan 🙂 ) and I’m hoping that when I get weighed at the start of August I might actually have lost something!  Todays results were great in as much as I’ve 7.5 Inches but crap as I haven’t lost any weight (which I knew, and know why), so lets see if next month I can lose inches AND weight!

Moving forwards

Can I see a glimpse of a future? Well just maybe I can!  Health wise my weight is still way up there and I can’t get a grip on my diet, but my fitness is improving by leaps and bounds. I’m loving Curves, some days its really hard but I walk out every time feeling great and thankful that I went.  I’m even attempting to jog in a bid to get fit enough for the Pretty Muddy race in September.

Uni has finished, as has my husbands college course for the summer, and the schools have just broken up so things have relaxed a bit around here, no school rush in the morning, no homework stress, and lots of time for walks around the park, board games and cuddles.  Ok having them all home is causing stress in other areas but all in all I love having this time with my babies.

What the summer break also brings however is a return to the jobcentre which I hate with a passion.  I have my wee part time job (yes, I declare my hours!) but its nowhere near enough to live off so signing on the dole it is.  As horrid as it is though it is possibly going to lead to a part of my dream coming true.  There is an option through their routes into employment that may help me become self employed with my own shop to sell my crafts and cakes.  I would be going into the venture with my best friend and I honestly believe we can make it a success.  First things first is a business plan which I need to create as soon as possible (oh joy!).  I’m having fun making samples of the items I intend to sell, what a great excuse to play with all of my craft supplies!

Maybe, just maybe, by the time I turn forty I might be able to look in the mirror and not dislike who I see staring back at me. I will not be a forty year old fat failure, I will be fit, fabulous and forty (unless the jogging kills me before I make it to 39 in 22 days, which it honestly feels like it may!)

Wee Update…

I have set up a Gofundme page in the hopes of getting help towards buying running shoes to help me train safely, just incase any of you want to help me here is the link to the page Go fund me … thanks in advance 😀

Failure – (yep, again), and 2nd (200th?) chances

Well its been months since I last posted here, and the main reason is not wanting to admit that I failed – again.  I came off plan and within a matter of weeks had gained nearly all of my weight back again.  Its no-ones fault but my own, I self sabotage my own journey – every time I start to feel good within myself I suddenly panic and begin to tell myself that I can’t do it, I’m not worth it and tons of other self deprecating crap that I know I’d get a slap for if other people heard me thinking them.

I still haven’t managed to a grip on my eating habits, even as I’m eating something I shouldn’t I am thinking to myself you really don’t need or want this, you could have something healthy, you’ll regret this later and you’ll feel sluggish and bloated. BUT I KEEP ON EATING IT! Why? cause I seem to be determined to damage my own calm and happiness.

I have won some battles over the years but battling my own psych is definitely the hardest battle I’ve ever faced. How the hell do you approach something like this? I’m not on my anti depressants anymore, I was doing really well for ages and thought I had cracked it – but I hadn’t.  I had a major dip over a period of about 3 months and was struggling with the simplest things.  I returned to the GP and asked for help, which in itself was a big relief, but I never actually began taking the tablets (don’t tutt – bare with me…).  The same day I attended the Dr I had my first session at Curves Irvine.

For those of you with no idea what Curves is, it is an all female circuit training gym.  There are coaches on hand at all times to help and encourage you, the circuit is intense but addictive, and from day 1 I loved it!  In the 3 weeks since I joined I have worked out 11 times and I feel great.  The days I attend curves I feel so energized and dare I say it proud of myself. I don’t seem to be losing any weight (but as my eating habits are still a bit – ok a lot – naughty that’s not surprising!), but my fitness is improving by leaps and bounds and my mental health has been (relatively) stable – without my meds! Awesome!

And I have also started doing Yoga  again which I am absolutely loving.  I’m doing a series with Yoga with Adriene called 30 days of yoga, and even though I haven’t managed to do it every day I haven’t missed more than 24 hours and I am seeing rapid improvements in my flexibility too 😀

But that isn’t all! My most amazing wee best friend Lesley is being super supportive and has suggested that we sign up together to do Pretty Muddy , a 5k obstacle course that is part of the race for life cancer charity.  So! as well as Curves and Yoga I have tentatively dipped my toe into the world of jogging.  We have a lovely large park very close to our house where I walk our gorgeous black lab Lasciel.  On the spur of the moment last week I decided to try to jog from one bin to the next, and do you know what? I made it!  Ok it was slow jogging, but it was jogging!  I then walked to the next bin before jogging to the next.  Did I enjoy it? Honestly?… No. Was I proud of myself? Hell Yeah!  Did I try again two days later? Hell Yeah! Did I enjoy it? Actually, I did a wee bit 😀 I am going to have to invest in some proper running shoes though – my ankles really were not keen on running in my cheapo everyday trainers. Do you think I could set up a go fund me for equipment for training for Pretty Muddy?

Well anyway, I am waffling on like usual.  I am feeling optimistic and enthusiastic about my new fitness regime, and I am going to complete Pretty Muddy.  As my health and mood improves I am sure I will be able to sort my eating habits out.  Feeling good feels good!  Feeling fat and sluggish is shite, so I am gonna sort my self out and get the weight off in a healthy way, no fad diets, no punishing myself, just a healthy lifestyle and lots of exercise. My fitbit will be arriving Thursday so I’ll be able to document my journey here for anyone who wants to see a fat and frumpy nearly 39 year old turn into a fit and fabulous 40 year old.

Love and light to all who may have made it this far,

Namaste

 

 

 

Odd occurances, Ups and Downs

Well I must say my new hairstyle got me some lovely comments on my facebook page last night – I was a very happy girl 😀  So happy in fact that I decided to have a little cheat night and come off plan so I could enjoy a glass of wine with my lovely hubby.  So I had a small portion of his amazing chicken pasta and a wee bit too much wine last night.  I kind of think someone may have been trying to keep me on plan though – as I went to take my first fork full of dinner the lamp beside me (which wasn’t plugged in let alone on) burst all over me, with a small amount of the shade landing on my plate! Even my 100% skeptical husband agreed it was a bit freaky – I’m sure they could have found a kinder way to give me a sign that I shouldn’t have been cheating though!  I definitely felt the effects of the wine very quickly too – I’m a total light weight but oh I did so enjoy it, I love a good red wine and do miss it while on plan.
After a lovely evening with my Hubby I had a crap nights sleep, worrying my alarm wouldn’t go off and I would sleep in for my wee part time job in a newsagents.  I made it to work, in a great mood and I have to say a little bit happy hyper, and had a really good shift.  I get time to read at work and at the moment I am reading one of Jim Butchers Dresdens, Cold Days, and am loving it.  Its been a while since I read any of the series but I am hooked again 😀 so the shift went in really quickly.

My drive home however soon put paid to my super good mood.  I think I’ve killed my Car 😥  .  Stopped at traffic lights about 5 minutes from home and realised that there was a LOT of smoke billowing out of the back of the car.  Should I pull over? Try to get home? Help???  The smoke was definitely worse when idling so I babied it home but when I opened the door to talk to my hubby the noise, smell, and amount of smoke coming from my poor old Toyota were unbelievable.  It has been leaking ‘something’ for a wee while, but we have been monitoring the levels of oil, coolant etc and just prayed it would survive to payday when we could get it looked at.  Its definitely past that now though I think, so a hard decision will have to made – do we fix it (is it even fixable?), do we scrap it and get a cheap runaround, or do we scrap it and do without a car for a few months?  Money wise the last option probably makes the most sense, and it would certainly help with my fitness as I would have to learn how to walk places again, but oh the thought of not being mobile is horrendous!

Well I am straight back on plan, it was definitely worth the minor delay it may cause in my journey as we had a lovely date night, and I am still feeling focused and determined to get to target – its so nice knowing that my head is in the right place finally.  A few months ago a few hours off the diet would have led to a few days off the diet as the ‘I’ve blown it this week anyway so why bother’ mentally would take over. But not this time 😀

Oh and talking of my head, I have come off one of my Anti depressants and feel like I am doing well without it 😀 so hopefully by the end of this year I will be off all medications and life will be brighter and much much healthier xxx

Letting out the true me, or midlife crisis panic attack?

Well today I am taking myself totally out of my comfort zone and (hopefully) having a funky hairdo.  This may not seem like much to most people but to me its huge.  In my 38 years I have never had an ‘out there’ do, always too worried about other peoples reactions and stares.  But Recently I’ve decided that the only opinion that matters is my own, and if people don’t like how I chose to do my hair/dress/act then I’ll just stick my tongue out at them, laugh, and continue on my merry way.  As long as I am happy so what if other people don’t like it!
I have nearly chickened out a couple of times already but I am NOT going to talk myself out of it.  If my hairdresser agrees its doable I will do it.  If she doesn’t think it will work we will do something else, but I am making a change.  I’m kicking the frumpy fat housewife to the curb and never letting her come back.  There was once a confident, bubbly, outgoing, happy girl inhabiting this shell, but life, an abusive ex husband, and hurtful comments, buried her under tons of self doubt, criticism and hatred. But she is crawling her way back, pound by pound and inch by inch, as the weight drops off and my determination to stop living negatively grows stronger I can feel her coming back, ME coming back, and as I approach the wonderful age of forty I think its about bloody time! Its nearly 20 years since she began to disappear, and I can’t wait to discover what life will hold for her (us, ME) over the next 20 years!